This post has been brewing in the back of my mid ever since I first heard the podcast of Kevin Swanson about stay-at-home daughters. I think he calls himself a pastor and he is the most graceless and arrogant man in cloth I have listened to. I don’t remember the entire message, but a few minutes of that was enough to make me irritated.
Truth be told, I have never heard that idea before of stay-at-home daughters before entering blog land. When I heard it first, I thought it was pretty weird, and 8 months later, after hearing both sides of the issue, I still do, although I kind of understand where they come from. I am not even going into detail on how people make it into a Biblical/sin issue. Maybe it is my background, but the very fact that some parents are denying their daughters college education raised a lot of red flags for me.
Kevin Swanson went into great detail trying to defend his claim for SAHD by name calling and all kinds of accusations. Some of his accusations were that women who go to college have 3 abortions; women who work outside their homes sell their flesh cheaply on a one night stand etc. Listening to him, I was trying to see how this whole SAHD movement started.
Feminism did not achieve what it started out to do. Instead of freeing women, the third wave feminism put a lot of pressure on them, and their stance on abortion is something I can never reconcile with. They started out well with the suffrage movement, but on the way, they went horribly wrong.
In my opinion from the single idea below, this is where it went.
1) Feminism caused a lot of problems in the society
2) The independent spirit is created in woman by being in the workforce, so let us take them out of there
3) They are home now, and children are a blessing from the Lord, so let us have as many as we possibly can.
4) Well, if we have all this education and it is only useful in staying home and looking after children, why bother going to college?
5) Oh, these many children are difficult to handle, and my daughters can stay home and take care of the other kids. Anyway she is going to be doing the same thing 5 years from now.
6) Enter Stay at home daughterhood
And then there is the other flow.
1) It is wise for a mother to stay home with the kids especially during their formative years. By the time the kids grow up, the mother cannot go back into the work force; she has been out of it so long. The mother feels her college education is a waste.
2) Well, if I am going to be a SAHM, might as well be a SAHW
3) If I am going to be a SAHW, might as well be a SAHD. Best not to be tempted by what the world has to offer.
4) Enter Stay at home daughterhood
I agree with the first point in both flows. And then it goes south.
There are wise decisions, and then there are scriptural decisions. For a mom to stay at home with her children might be a wise decision, that a family can make, but it does not make it a Biblical one. If it were a biblical one, it should be applicable all over the world. I know most of my readers are American, and you probably have no idea what life is like in a Third World Country. There is poop out on the streets, (not where I lived, thank the Lord!), no water from the taps. Kids are cloth diapered not because it is a fad or environmentally friendly, but people cannot afford it plain and simple.
The purpose of this post is not to make anyone feel bad. After all, people I look up to, love and admire are SAHW/SAHM. Feel free to comment for or against the post. I should also make it clear that I DO NOT judge individual choices. If you have been reading my blog any amount of time or have corresponded with me by email, you would know that. We all travel different paths. The Lord has all called us to different things. In the end, if it all glorifies Yahweh, rest assured we are on the right path.
I am proud of my biblical choice at this stage of my life to work outside the house and be a blessing to the household. And I have a large household. It includes my husband, our parents, mine and his extended family, church family, friends, starving kids in Africa, and poor families in India.
Let us all dear friends, extend grace to one another. To the mom of two whose kids are sick and who is working long hours, to the stay at home mom of a large brood whose finances are tight, to the single woman who is living alone, to the childless couple who is doing a lot of traveling, to the stay at home wife. I gave these examples as these are areas where we jump into conclusions and judge them for their choices. Most of the time, we do not even know half the story. Let us encourage and uplift.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs Eph: 4:29
6 comments:
Oh, I love this post! And I agree with it wholeheartedly. I'm a SAHW, but I didn't choose this path for religious reasons. I chose it because I'm a terrible multi-tasker. As an English teacher, I was bringing home piles of essays, reading assignments, etc. every night because I couldn't grade 100 papers in my 50-minute conference period, so I never seemed to have any downtime. Add to that my weak immune system, and I wound up with no life to enjoy.
I fully believe that the decision to work or not work is 100% between the couple in question and the Lord. It's no one else's business. I fought with my parents, in fact, over my decision to stay home because they thought I was wasting my expensive college education. I had to tell them to back off because it was a decision made by Steven and me, and while I valued their opinions, it really wasn't their business.
I don't buy the arguments that kids whose moms work grow up with problems. Sure, that's true of some kids, but that's also true of some kids with SAHMs. I know many fabulous kids whose moms work. Frankly, I admire their moms because they've raised great kids, have presentable houses, and they manage to hold a full-time job. I couldn't hack it when I tried, so I can't help but admire those who can.
I feel blessed that I don't have to work, even if I am doing it part-time right now for the next few weeks. But if I did have to, or even if I wanted to, it wouldn't make me any less of a Christian. To each her own. I have yet to see a biblical mandate for a woman to be chained to her house and never do work outside of it.
This really is a beautiful post, Annie.
Although I would never be brave enough to open this can of worms on my own blog, I do not understand the whole SAHD thing, do not see where the apparent scriptural support comes from, and would not tell Peapod that this is the *ONLY* *RIGHT* biblical path that she can take or else be sent to hellfire for her resulting fifty million sexual liaisons and abortions. With that said, I do have several online friends who are SAHD and are serving their family in wonderful ways, but I also am friends with women "both online and in "real life", both mothers and not, who work outside the home, and all are lovely women with beautiful hearts for the Lord.
For me, the most troubling part of the lack of grace seen in this ummm "movement" (would that be the word??" has to be the fact that we could all *gasp* help each other, teach one another, and grow together in faith if we got over our differences and dwelled instead on what we share. I will share a recent example from my life--my friend is a single working mom and her mom usually provides her childcare. Her mom became ill with the flu, and my friend obviously needed somebody else to take care of her son for a few days. Thanks to being home with my daughter, I was easily able to volunteer to help without a thought and the problem was solved that easily. :o) My friend has also been a blessing to me in so many ways, and sometimes simply by sharing funny work stories. Her tales are exciting news from the "outside world." ;o) When we take the time to see one another as people, rather than a stereotype, it's amazing what beauty and blessings can come our way.
To add one more thought to my novel, what would be the consequence if Christians all left the working world, public schools, performing & creative arts world, justice system, and everywhere else en masse to go form our own little set aside world? Call me crazy, but I do not think the result would be good!
Wow -- you're a brave one to tackle this topic. Watch out for stray tomatoes. ;)
Actually, I agree with you. I knew many SAHDs, but blogland was the first time I had heard the term "biblical" applied to it. (Where is that verse, anyway?) My SAHD friends were that just because it was how the Lord had led them to serve Him at that point in life.
Your distinction between "wise" and "scriptural" is wise, no pun intended. Scripture does not clearly teach that daughters have to stay at home (nor wives, for that matter), so we simply can't call it a "biblical" thing. Hubby likes to make the distinction that just because "A" is commanded, "B" is not therefore forbidden, as long as it doesn't conflict with "A." So, keeping the home is encouraged, but working outside the home is not forbidden. (Far from being unbiblical, check out Prov. 31!) Different women in different situations have to make "wise" decisions on how to balance needs and priorities. We need to show more grace toward each other, as you and Amy both mentioned.
One point often made is that being outside the home makes it difficult to adjust to home life as a wife or mother and doesn't prepare them for that task. That can be true or untrue. It was untrue for me, but has been true for some friends. But are we to make decisions based on what is easiest or what is eternally best?
I suspect the SAHD movement is grounded in a focus on the home, as a reaction to people who have focused on other things (like the church) to the hurt of the family. Forgive me for quoting hubby again (he's a smart guy, I can't help it), but I like what he told me recently: "We don't 'focus on the family' OR 'focus on the church.' We focus on Christ, and evaluate each individual situation for how we can best meet the needs of both."
I desist. :) Dinner might be burnt if I don't.
I totally forgot to comment on the SAHD thing. All I can say is that I don't get that movement at all. I mean, I guess it's fine if it's what the parents and daughters both want, but if it's simply out of a fear of the world outside the parental home, I would have to question a belief that's based on fear. How well taught can a child be if her parents fear her salvation and purity will be swept away the moment she leaves the home?
Again, as with the SAHW/M v. working wives/mothers, to each her own, as long as personal belief/feeling on the issue is not an attempt to dictate God's will for the lives of everyone else. I think it's when people put on the I'm-more-spiritual-than-you mantle because they are doing ____ that this turns into a divisive issue. Often when people do that, I can't help but think they're so strident about their position because they have to try to justify it to themselves.
A well-written, well thought out post!! THANK YOU!
I have never even heard of this SAHD idea until I came to the blogworld, either. It is just not a concept even thought of around where I live!
I firmly believe that each person is created in God's image but with a free will and an individual personality. That means, each person is going to be doing something a little differently with their lives for God and how can parents (or other Christians) dictate to someone how they are to live? That decision should be up to God and that individual.
I am a single working woman. God has called me to my occupation in law enforcement and I am happy to be serving Him where I am at! Amy is right when she poses the question...what happens if all Christians left the workforce and stayed in their little bubble worlds at home? How would the rest of the world ever know Christ if we stayed to ourselves?!?
I look at my sister....she had the option of going to college but she chose to get married and have a family. But she still worked all the years she was in highschool. And she even worked part-time when she was a mother for the first couple of years.
Me....I am single and went away to college, started out working as a Family Counselor, and then switched careers. To this day, I do not regret going to college nor do I think my education received was a waste or "sinful." Rather, my education strengthened my faith and made me learn to stand on my own two feet, knowing why it was what I believed.
There really has been too much hatred shown on blogs lately toward mothers who work, single women who choose to pursue college, single women working, and women in general who strike out on their own after graduating from highschool. And to put a "biblical" tag on the whole concept of SAHD is just not right! No verse in the Bible states a daughter is to stay at home until she is married!
What has started out as a group's own personal beliefs has turned into a "jihad" of sorts towards other Christians who do not conform to their way of thinking.
I could ramble on and on about this issue but my laundry is calling me! So I digress...
Annie,
this post is beautiful! I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said by the wonderful women you have commented. I did want to say how happy it made my heart to see women from all walks of life commenting and agreeing on this post. How priceless to know that we can support each other even though God calls us to different paths.
Much love,
Kyla
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