Reflections on a Christmas Night

First of all, Merry Christmas to you all.

I had a wonderful two days. R and I celebrated 5 years of marriage on the 24th. He is a very very busy man, but he took off on the 24th and 25th and we just had a great time. I got a lot of gifts, but the best gift of all was some great time together. Christmas Eve was with our friends here and that was really nice too. It refreshed me so much to spend some family time.

I had decided not to do a tree this time, but I finally caved in and put it up 2 weeks before Christmas. For whatever reason, it really lifted my mood and cheered me up. I was in a down mood for a lot of days leading up to that, but the lit tree really made a difference.I didn't decorate as much as usual, but it was nice to do something.

R and I don't usually buy gifts for each other for Christmas, but Neil got a toy kitchen, a rock, roll and ride trike, a Duplos set and clothes. Okay, so he only really got the toy kitchen, the rest were all stuff that had not been opened before and which we decided to open today. At any rate, he didn't care. I got a bunch of really cute clothes from Gymboree totalling $216 for $36. Most of the stuff I bought is 2T and above. All I know is if God blesses us with another boy, he won't need a thing. For that matter, even if it is a girl, she won't need a thing until 1 year old. Most of what we have is gender neutral up till 1 year old.

Christmas day is winding to a close now and I can't help but reflect on the last year. I know that post is supposed to go up in a week, but I am just feeling reflective now. ha. It has been a good year. The Lord has been good to us and blessed us as a family. Personally, so many milestones for me. I quit my full time job for which I had trained 6 years of my life. It was not a very easy decision, but it was not as hard as I thought it would be, either. I had to pray a lot for God's guidance on that one. There was a lot of going back and forth until the decision became final on my part in October. I don't want to go into any details here, but it ended up with me feeling a bit sad on some counts. But I really enjoy being home. With my husband's business, and all the housework, and the little one, there is hardly any leftover time. Leaving my job has been a step of faith for us as a family as me being home full time was not something we had really planned on doing. But we all feel it has blessed our family collectively.

R has been traveling a LOT this year. Before, I used to wonder how I would manage Neil without his help. I remember the time he was born, I was terrified to travel with him by myself. Then I took him by myself on a 24 hour flight to India. So, I have improved in this whole motherhood thing. :) The traveling was insane for him this year and looks like we are having a similar year coming up.

I had two bouts of sickness and through it all, Gods grace was amazing. I am not saying that I want to get sick or experience pain like that. I hate being in pain. But there was purpose in that. Experiencing God's mercy, love of family, brokeness, for that I am grateful. Just as hard as the the pain was the feeling of inadequacy, helplessly watching others do what I felt I should be doing, feeling that I was not contributing. It was a good learning experience. I am praying for a healthier 2011.

The rain is falling outside and I am all warm and cosy here. Both my men are fast asleep upstairs. It has been half an hour now since I started writing. There is a glow from the Christmas tree that is warming my heart. I see the ornament of a little angel with "Believe" written on it. It is for the memory of a little angel that all but me has possibly forgotten. But that word is a reminder and a promise.

Believe. For I have seen the goodness of the Lord. Believe. For with God all things are possible.

I am humbly grateful.

Daily Dish

I haven't updated in a few days. Plus, I started this earlier and now I have some kind of block and am unable to think of anything coherent to say. That means it is going to be a list.

Neil slept for 2.5 hours today. And we actually woke him up. Mainly because I did not want him to oversleep and stay awake in the night. He slept for half an hour in the morning as well.

I ordered Christmas cards finally and I used his naptime to compile addresses. Lots of work ahead, stuffing, stamping, and sending out. But I love doing that.

It is so cold here now, we are expecting 26 degrees tonight. Tell you what, there is a reason I moved to FL and it is not the cold. I do not like cold weather.

We had a guy from our utility company do the energy efficiency check at our house. He says the ducts have some leaks and the insulation in the attic is low. He gave us some information to look at. It costs on an average around $400 to repair the ducts. And the utility company will cover $150.

Hubby and I are completing 5 years of marriage this month. And on the same day, my parents are celbrating 40 years of marriage. I have no idea what to get him. If I ask, he says nothing, so in all possibility that is what he is going to get. Unless you can leave me some suggestions.

There is going to be a change at this lil ole' blog come new year. I will unveil that to my 2 loyal readers in a few days.

Neil helps me unload the dishwasher now. I figured he spends all his day in the kitchen with me, might as well utilize him. He is a good helper.

I cooked a lot today.

I pretty much didn't do anything else at all.

There is a strong wind outside, but in here it is cosy and warm. I feel very thankful for good food, and heat right now.

I would be even more thankful if someone brought me some socks.

I find it very difficult to move after eating so much.

That will be all. Thank you very much.

Christmas (non) cheer

It is the most craziest time of the year. With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings when friends come to call. Oh wait, that is not how the song goes?

Well, it should.

Inevitably, this ends up being so crazy busy always. I really have no explanation this year. I don't have a tree up, there is not one shred of decoration up in our house, no one is coming to visit. So it really should be very easy. But it is not. There are a lot of other things going on that is just making it crazy. Seems to me everywhere I turn there is work. Living room, kitchen, laundry room, garage, office work, and then I get into the car to get groceries and the maintenance required light is on in the car. As Anne says in Anne of Green Gables, the stars in their courses is fighting against me. It is a conspiracy. I was just so overwhelmed, I just sat in the car wishing I didn't have to get out. R is crazy busy. His colleague at work is out on paternity leave and so he has his share of the work as well. Poor thing is so unbelievably busy that even with working weekends he is unable to catch up. I was feeling so all over the place with a vague feeling of doom that there are tons of things to be done and that I was dropping balls left and right, I decided I should make list. The list which is growing out of control already has 45 items. And some of the items in the list is driving me crazy, such as finding a d/l cable for the cell phone. Where in the world is that thing? Argh.

I tackled around 3 items and I am already behind on so many things. I feel most days I am just playing catch up and not really making any progress. I mean with the baby, laundry, cooking and keeping the house livable, it is not like I have a lot of "free time." One thing I am glad about is that I am able to spend some time in the morning with God's word and that really helps. I only wish there were more hours in a day.

It is funny that of all the things to feel guilty about, I feel really bad I didn't put up a tree this year. I mean, I feel I am denying Neil something. Why such crazy thoughts? No idea. That is all I need. On top of all the crazy stuff going on, some guilt as well. Oh, and I really dislike this horrible cold spell. I am unable to get out running and when I do go out to the store, the cold gives me a headache.

Yes, I am a spoilt warm weather girl, why do you ask?

I just decided that from tomorrow on, I am going to keep an hourly diary that I will know how I am spending my time daily. Maybe I can catch some times that I find myself not doing anything productive and get back on track that way.

To bed now.

Running

Running is like giving birth.

This is my conclusion after starting the c25k today. I guess if I am coming to such conclusions after one day of 20 minute running, it does not bode well for me. Also, I suspect I am not in shape at all. Unless you count round as a shape for humans.

In that case, I am in the best shape of my life.

I announced my intention of doing this program and my dear husband bought me some expensive running shoes. I have all kinds of health issues and he wanted to be sure that I get good shoes that support me in my efforts. He says you cannot put a price on health. Actually I can. I just have to calculate the total amount in the two hospital bills and the cost of my running shoes.

All this to say that the shoes kept me going long after I would have normally given up. It was so cold too. R scolded me for going out in this cold (with the baby too). Poor Neilu, his hands were really cold by the time we came back. I was running, so I was sweating and didn't feel it too much. But poor baby must have been cold, sitting in the stroller. I had bundled him up in layers, but I hadn't put mittens on him. The shoes are really cool though. I just didn't feel like getting out of it even after I came home.

I haven't explained why running is like giving birth. You see, this c25k program is such that you have to jog for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds. The 1 minute jog feels never ending while the 1.5 min walk goes all too fast. Those who have given birth know that I am talking about the contractions and the respite between them. Maybe it was the cold, or my fitness level, but I really struggled. But I am not going to give up. I will try when it is less cold and maybe I will struggle less.

I am hoping to finish the program. For the sake of recordkeeping, this is my weight as of today morning: 114 lbs. My waist line after dinner today (much harder to write in public): 34 inches. I don't really have a goal. Ideally I would like to be 105 lbs and have a waistline of 30 inches. But that ship has sailed after I first saw the double red line on a home pregnancy test. So, not to be distracted by numbers, I am not setting a number goal. I just want to be healthier. I won't elaborate here for fear of sounding like a Memaw, but I do have a bunch of health issues and I want to be in better shape to take care of my family.

Today also was Neilu's 15 month appointment and he is doing very well by God's grace. He howled the entire time the doctor was in the room. Not only is his stranger anxiety not reducing, it is getting worse I feel. Poor doctor, he just came into the room, didn't even do anything and he howled. He actually cried less for the shot as the nurse came and went out real fast. And it was so funny, the receptionist was talking to him when he were going out and he was going on in a scolding tone to her. Everyone was laughing. It sounded exactly like "You are all smiles and laughs, but you are one of them also. Don't try and convince me otherwise." I think this is the most fun age ever. He makes me laugh everyday.

Just like his daddy.

Praying without Words

I am so excited today. My heart which had been heavy over the past few days is filled with joy. Recently, my uncle had an angioplasty done. At the end of the procedure he had a stroke, which happens less than 1% of the time. A lot of people around the world prayed and he kept getting better. The doctors thought it was a miracle because at his age, it was quite a quick recovery. Two days before, we were told that almost everything got better, but he lost his eyesight. When I first heard it, it was like a ton of bricks hitting me. I have always believed one of the hardest things to face is loss of eyesight. Twice before in my life I had a condition where I lost sight from one eye for two days and that was hard. My dad has only vision from one eye and I know he struggles with that. The personal experiences has really made me appreciate just how valuable eyesight is.

I was praying a lot for my uncle throughout the day when I first heard about the stroke, but the eyesight news just got me down. I hardly could pray out loud, but just sat mutely and prayed without words. Anyway, we got the news today that he got 75% of his eyesight back. And they are hoping it will come back fully. What a mighty God we serve!

I have this little poem hanging in my room.

I am not alone...

Sometimes I don't know how to pray. My words come
haltingly and I feel they don't get past the ceiling.
What a comfort
to know that the Spirit of God
is interceding for me even then.
While I may be struggling to pray, he is interceding for me
and telling God things
which cannot be expressed
in words.

Our day

R was out on business trip since Tuesday. It is so good to have him back. As a so-good-to-have-you-back-home, I made plantain fry. It didn't come out great, so it was more like, so-good-you-are-back honey and I made some sucky food, please enjoy. Yesterday Neilu slept from 8:30pm to 8:30am which was a miracle and I had a smile on my face the whole day. Did some home chores in the morning and in the afternoon, a friend and I went shoppig for handbags. Our anniversary is coming up and I had asked for a handbag as a gift from hubs. So, we went shopping got 2 bags I liked and I gave it to R and then on our anniversary he will give it to me. It is a complex process, our gift giving.

Neilu howled most of the time he was in the store, except for the time he was flirting with all the salesgirls. As soon as we got out, he would stop and then start again as soon as we got in another store. It was like a switch being turned on and off. Good thing he is cute. That is all I have to say. He doesn't howl as much at grocery stores anymore. I guess dude knows where the food is.

I was dropping my friend off at a 7-11 where her husband picked her up. I then stopped there to fill some gas. While I was filling gas, a huge, African American guy approached me and said he needed help as his car broke down. I said to ask help at the store. (As a sidenote, R had told me before never to help anyone on the road (man or woman) if I am by myself. It is one of the few things he expects me to obey in our marriage.) He said all he needs is 1 or 2 gallon of gas to get his car started. I was almost tempted, but I remembered what R told me and said, sorry, can't help you. He then said all I have to do is turn the nozzle around and I am the nearest car etc etc. Thankfully, my car had filled up then and I drove away. As soon as I got out of the station and turned around, he and the car was gone. Wonder what that was all about. It was a bit disconcerting. I hate saying no, but am very loathe to take risks as well.

We came back and I made some dinner and tidied up the place a bit and waited for hubs to come home. When he was at the door, Neilu just ran to him smiling and laughing and it was just so sweet to see. And he kept babbling. Probably complaining about his mommy taking him shopping half day. R gave him a bath and put him to sleep while I set the table. I took out the good china, lit some candles, and put a new tablecloth to make the ordinary meal just a little special.

So, it was a really nice day all in all. The best part being that our little family is together again.

A Bizzare Experience

I had a really bizzare experience today.

Let me start at the beginning.

Last week, hubs and I were walking around in the mall and we came across a bargain priced book section in Barnes and Noble. I picked up a Jefferey Archer as I can never really say no to him. Plus, the bargain price? There was no way I could win that one. I had never heard of that particular title before, but I had enough faith in him as he has never disappointed me before. True to form, it turned out to be a really good read, but I was trying not to binge. So I stuck to just couple of chapters a day. It also helped that I was really too busy to do any reading up until yesterday. Yesterday night I was casually reading my two chapters and then could.not.put.it.down. Just kept reading and reading and reading. It was very reminiscent of the teenage years when I was supposed to be studying, but would stay up late reading. Anyway, it was 3:33am when I went to sleep. It was all fine and dandy when I was in 6th grade and I could sleep through the biology class to compensate staying up till 3:33am. Not the same story when my precious bundle of high energy early riser joy would be sure to wake me up at the unholy time of 6:30am. He has very good getting-you-out-of-bed tactics too. He would stand up in the bed and then tumble on you. If you haven't had 24 pounds falling on you while you are in an early morning daze, why, you haven't really lived.

I stumbled out of bed, changed him, and took him down. I fed him a banana (I think) and slowly came to life. He showed signs of sleepiness around 10:15 and I put him down for a nap in his stroller. He slept off and I came up, did some stuff and had some time reading God's word and praying. I haven't had such a long, uninterrupted quiet time in a while and it really refreshed me. By 11, I decided I should get a nap as I knew I was going to be crazy tired in the afternoon. He only takes one nap now and I took the opportunity and lay down.

Ok, now here is the bizzare stuff.

I must have gone to sleep immediately. All I remember is I woke up very suddenly and jerkily. I looked next to me and didn't see Neil. I immediately panicked and ran to the bathroom, glancing at his bed on the way. (Bathroom is a prohibited area and consequently where he makes a beeline to). He wasn't there and I just cannot explain this, I started calling out his name loudly and was almost sobbing it. I thought he fell into the toilet, fell down the stairs and hit his head and I felt all weak. Suddenly, I heard him cry (possibly from all my yelling) and I remembered I had put him to sleep in the stroller, it was morning and he was fine. The whole episode of panic lasted probably 30-45 seconds. But the shaking didn't subside for another 2-3 minutes. I felt too weak to actually pick him up, so I knelt next to him in the stroller and put my arm around him. I sat there until I was calm and then everything was fine.

I felt so bizzare, I had never had an experience like this and don't care to have another one ever again. I am thinking it could be the lack of sleep that caused it. Unless you can suggest an alternative explanation.

Except tell me I am a tad crazy.

What is the point in stating the obvious, afterall?